After a recent trip to the doctor, I got the news that my fat body is starting to affect my health. Its not major, its minimal but without acknowledging my current heath it could get worse. I haven’t felt my best in the last little while so it doesn’t come as a surprise. My doctor, God bless her, has never made me feel like my weight was an impending death sentence. She very politely and respectfully told me she suspected my health issue could be a result of my weight but wanted to run other tests to absolutely be certain it wasn’t the cause of something else. In the doctor category, I lucked out. Big time (no pun intended).
After leaving my doctor’s office, I felt strange. Like somehow I have failed myself and my body for trying to accept myself as a fat person. Maybe I was wrong, maybe they were all right. Maybe I was stupid and in denial for just trying to be fat and happy. I spent the next few days fighting with myself, feeling major guilt and massive regret. I felt embarrassed, too. To the point that I didn’t want anyone to know, not even my parents, because admitting that being fat AND unhealthy is a scary thing. Especially when you fight so hard to prove to others that being fat doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to die.
Being body positive in my world always looked like a fat person with good health. I’ve always been moderately active, I enjoy walking and running and working out from time to time. I enjoy junk food, healthy food and in between food. I’ve never been told my health was an actual problem. I’ve only been told by previous doctors that I could, maybe, one day have an issue because I was obese. I never had to think about loving myself if I was unhealthy. Looking back, I feel like I’ve been doing this whole self love thing wrong. So, what now? What happens now that I am, fat and unhealthy? Do I ignore everything I’ve built for myself these last few years? Am I going to be less deserving of the body positive title if I have to lose some weight? Am I not allowed to love myself, as I am, because my body isn’t functioning entirely as it should be?
Being here, admitting this, writing it out as a potentially public post, is really fucking scary for me. I know that by admitting that I’m one of those unhealthy fat people is opening me up for many, many harsh comments. But here’s the thing, I still think my original message stands true. I still think that fat people deserve to love themselves, bad or good health. I still think that being unhealthy, whatever that might mean, doesn’t mean you gotta ditch trying to love yourself. I wanna love myself, no matter what I look like. I wanna be happy with who I am, even if maybe I’ve made some mistakes along the way. Fat people deserve love. No matter what. You wouldn’t tell someone who smokes that they shouldn’t love who they are because it wouldn’t ever cross your mind. People telling fat folks to lose weight and to hate themselves has never been about being healthy. Its always been about something deeper than that. Its about trying to erase our humanity and dismiss our issues. Its about control and manipulation. Its about money, too. Fat people have always been an easy target and we’ve always stood back and took it because, well, what about our health?
Human beings are human beings are human beings. Even the bad, awful, shitty ones deserve to feel good about who they are because thats our basic human right. I still have a lot of forgiving myself to do but not the reasons you might think. I’m so proud of how much strength I’ve had these past 5 years and how far I’ve come. Am I happy that I’m unhealthy? Nope, not at all. I miss poutine, a lot. But I’ve had a blast loving who I am without apologies to anyone. I’ve loved showing my belly care, love and kindness. I’ve loved being an admirer of my physical appearance instead of a mean bully. And I’ll continue to love caring for myself, being kind to myself and learning to love who I am right now.